missing rewards

Okay.. common test finally over. Well, there's still maths s tmr. But im not gonna study for it. hAhAz...

Hai... Gonna flunk my papers... Especially Maths & Chem. Gosh, my 2 s papers' core subjects. Is this an alarm to wake me up from my dream, to prevent me from clinching on something im not up to the standard to? I dunno.... I dun mind being D.E.A.D. But i hate to diE.E.E.E. Well, at least it's better than diF.F.F.F.

It's so weird. Coming to jc make me feel like im back in pri sch. Life after the papers is just going straight back home. So unlike in sec sch, we'll always go out after the last papers. Have fun, relax, reward ourselves after working so hard... Maybe cos i dun work as hard now, maybe cos i dun deserve a treat now, tt's y my only option is to go home, my only reward is sleep.

I was right there. Listening. I know your friends too yea? But did u ask? Nope. Nvm then. U r not the circle im lookin for.

is there a circle with opening for me?

So how was your holidays? If you managed to go out with newly found friends, good for you. Cos for me, i only got to go out with one of my cedar gang, jie mei, and the though-informal-but-ritual ignis jts.

I once heard from a senior, that in primary school, we are still young & immature; in jc, 2 years is too short a time; the only time you can truly find best of friends is during that 4 years in secondary school. I guess i'd agree now. JC friendships are just so fragile.
I admit i haven tried...again. I did asked once or twice. But i was stung too deeply the other time after prelims. I thought we had an agreement? I thought we had a discussion? I thought we settled upon going out straight after the last papers? But what happened in the end? Two went out on their own with each other. One called out on her other clique. One went out with *ahem* the opposite gender. One, went home. me.

Even for my CCAs, i dont have someone who can talk heart-to-heart or go out with. But, whenever we have meetings, i can always find someone to sit with to talk or joke. Everytime we have to work together, we can cooperate well and make a great team. It's just... Well, our interaction is only limited during meetings. They all seem to have set up their clique, whether from old gang or new company. I dont want to be an intruder. I've always believe that it's always easier for a circle to open up for one than one forcing open an enclosed circle. If they are happy amongst their own clique, why so bu zi dong and barge in?

Likewise for my old gangs, I still treasure them. But they seem to have found new lives & hopes outside our circle. Im happy for them, truly. Of course without them, without new life for myself, i do feel lonely. But what's there to do? 他们说，爱一个人就要懂得放弃他，让他得到幸福。i guess it's the same with friendship. If they are enjoying their current state, why hinder their happiness? 只要朋友开心，我不想刻意打扰。

So for now, i shall try hopping amongst circles, hoping to find one that has open ends. Till then, i shall hold on and cherish the rings I was once engulfed in.
-yun, m, pc, et ring
-lou 主人, beni 主人妹妹, kim papa, van mama ring
-姐妹团

look at look?

1st time i talked to you for such a long time. To be honest, i was impressed at the same time i was totally turned off. Im impressed that you are actually quite 健谈. But im turned off by the fact that you, like majority i guess, 追求外表.
pls. 要追求外表，自己也得要same standard 先吧。你自己很好吗？Sorry, 我并不觉得。所以呢，最好拿个balance beam to know where you should set your standard.
On 2nd tot, did u trick me to tok abt all those stuff, logged on so that u can peek at my account? Gosh. U r smart. BUT shameless.
I hope you didnt stoop that low to achieve ur motives... maybe it's juz me being over-sensitive.

Looks really does matter? Why did you emphasis on it so much?
A guy asking me if im planning to go for plastic surgery. A guy im not very familiar with to start with. What an impression u've made in me.
Im happy with the way im. If you are not satisfied, you're probably 肤浅, only focusing on the outside.
Im determined to go my way. If you cant stand me, there are only 2 options.
1. To change your path.
2. To endure your journey with me.
Dont ever expect me to give in. Ugliness is not valid enough a reason to keep people away.

As to those who keep making fun of me (or any handicapped/unusual people), it's either you have no brain or no heart. This makes human beings balance out. No one is perfect. We are imperfect on the outside, but you guys care imperfect on the inside.
是顶天立地的人，就大声地说出你的不满。
是真正的男子汉，就骄傲地讨论你的意见。
只要你不怕被人鄙视，瞧不起。
除非你们那么幸运 （那就等于我们倒霉，没人帮我们打抱不平），你们的听众和你们志同道合 （正好能成为“同志呢！）
但我敢保证，只要你敢摊开来说，就最好做好心理准备。
I promise to fight it out. I may not stand a chance in strength, but 我这个人，什么都不好，最不好就是好胜，好强。我不一定会赢，但我一定不会输。这是我对我自己的承诺。
应为这种insult, 已不是人身攻击那么简单了。你也污辱了创造我的奇迹，生我育我的父母，关心我的朋友，每一个让我生命之灯继续点燃的人。

我生来这样，我也从没选择权。但我尊重选择给我生命的每一个人。没有人愿意为我们不平凡的人打抱不平的话，我要为爱我的人讨回一个公道。
-because i believe, i do have true friends who accept me for who i am.

你有种的话，你等着瞧。
Violence cannot solve the problem, but it does teach a lesson;
of which i hope it aids in your solving of problem. (see? im so kind)

hmm... getting violent?...

.brought back.

Has been visiting few of my juniors' blogs. Find that they have been upset about their jc lives. I understand exactly how they feel because this was how i felt last year (and i still do feel this way). I missed (and still miss) my cedar gangs (both e Sec2 and Sec4 ones), missed my carefree lifestyle, and even the 1st 3months class. On this additional point, my juniors are already much fortunate than me. Smarter than me, they chose to remain in the same combi (and hence, luckily same class) and still have the majority 1st 3months classmates in class. Maybe they didnt bond as well as 04s14 (pae) did? Do the OGLs have a fault in it??

I even cired a few times cos of my mistake.
Mistake in leaving cedar, joining nj -- falling from top to bottom
Mistake in leaving S5 combi, joining S3 combi -- breaking from a big family to individual life
Life became more stessful not only due to increasing workload, but also having no one around to help you carry them.

Seeing my friends leading their current lives so happy made me even more envious, jealous.
Why cant i be like them? Adaptive to different surrounding, acceptable by the society?

I still do feel sad. But getting used to it made me indifferent to them. Or rather, numb.
I just want to do well, not to be at the bottom;
I just want to be on a balance beam where i can share the forceful life;
if i cant have the above, then
I just want to prove to myself that i can be totally proud of myself to be able to go through hardship all on my own;

I just want to be happy.
But can i?

《会有那么一天》变得那么贴切

看戏得知那里无病无痛，不愁吃不愁穿，易吃得饱睡得暖，阿么，希望您和阿公能“牵着手在草原听鸟儿歌唱的声音 听他说声 我爱你”。

可能从没与您很亲密过，也认为这样能减轻您与大姨的负担，更相信只有经历过“生老病死”才算体验了人生，所以并不太难过。

这些年来，药物进出体内，身体不听使唤，我想您也相当辛苦。看着大姨每天两头跑，那边受完气，还得在这边费时费力，也太难为她了。没了其他三个姐妹的帮忙，妈妈虽然每星期一，两次往那里照料，最辛苦的还是每天都在那儿的大姨。

不是说这样子最好。但这样的确然大家的日子少了不少压力。可能以后我们不会再这样团聚在一起了，但也许这样也好。少了点机会使纠纷发生。请您要多加保佑。

整个过程，我不让自己落泪。应为我的却不难过，只有点失措，知道生命里从此少了点什么。但就连看到电视连续剧的剧情都会哭的我。不想像猫哭耗子。
眼泪那时却还是不听话地流下。阿么，我是真的感到惋惜。相信我。

“我要离去 别再哭泣 不要伤心 请你相信我
要等待 我的爱 陪你永不离开
因为会有那么一天 我们牵着手在草原
听鸟儿歌唱的声音 听我说声 我爱你”

可能阿公曾经对您说过这番话。希望他现在已实现了诺言。

Another test =p

You are a Career Girl! You may not be a CEO yet, but you're well on your way to success.You take your career seriously, and you wouldn't stop working for any guy!An independent woman, you pay for your own car, clothes, and housing.And men appreciate that - at least, the ones as driven as you are. What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-) Find the Love of Your Life (and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.