没有机会说出口

五月天是这么样唱着
我練習過　彩排過　這個時候　卻又說不出口

而我却想这么样演绎着
我练习过 彩排过 这个时候 没机会说出口

我当作你是没有诚意。因为我在每一个约会的前一天，都会send confirmation sms来提醒隔天要见面的朋友。我没有这么做，也许我以为你会比我还在乎。可是，一个午后的相谈，却因前一晚的hangover，得无限期地搁置了。

准备了很久的话，没能说出口，闷在心里头是在真的很难受。也许你已经放下了(i saw the jacket, made an assumption)，可我预习的这番话，不吐不快。
斟酌了一番，还是决定post出来：

我从来没交往过，所以还处在idealised world。对于我的第一个，一定会有自己拟定的模样。他不须要是个白马王子或潇洒威猛的壮男。说实在的，我常坦言，我喜欢“聪明，高的，胖的，丑的”。哈哈。（有朋友说，“那个被我看上的人应该很可悲”） 外貌也许不重要，所以之前说的不重要。我最希望的事，他是一个我懂他，他懂我的人。
我认识你多久？你让我了解你多少？同样的，你认识我多深？你看透我多彻底？

To put it simply，你认识真正的我吗？我觉得这些日子，你跟她聊得更多。我的消息似乎都是从她那儿得来的。所以我觉得，你认为你懂我，但是你懂的那个“我”， 只是她眼里的“我”。
I don't like that.

第一，在我的原则里(im a stubborn person with stubborn principles to stick to)，要认识一个人，应该是direct contact。没有可能通过另一个人而了解的。这样不直接的接触是不真诚的了解方式。我曾经说过，relationship (no matter what kind) is solely between the 2 people involved, just like a covalent bond between 2 electrons.
第二，what makes you think she is the best option? 说真的，我对她已经失去了信心，我不再信任她。即使我跟她性格上颇有相似，我非常不赞同她对朋友的处置。She categorised her friends into too many different classes, with too many different attitudes & diffrerent degrees of willingness/readiness to help. 而且很多时候，她有了想法的东西，她会一意孤行地照着她的主意做。In short, 我觉得你找错人来试着了解我。我已经不喜欢indirect contact，你还找一个我不认为完完全全，实实在在懂我的人，又是大错特错。

我喜欢pleasant surprises。你却有她而去，来转告我准备接受那份礼物。 Her stand being "I feel that you should be prepared, in case you'll be shocked that day." Yes, I know that you are being kind. BUT 我是个喜欢刺激，惊喜的人。Leo's characteristic? 这就是我和她持不同想法的一点。既然那是我肯定会喜欢的东西，我不介意是意外的惊喜。So she kinda spoil it all for me, and for you.

我喜欢直接的人。direct contact。 你是要我收下礼物还是你那番心意？Don't use "shy" as an excuse. What's so difficult with sending an sms to meet somewhere else privately? Outside LT after class, maybe? (Even he had the brain to think of that, & the courage to act it out. But too bad [or rather, "luckily"... haha.. since he kinda creep me out =X] his target is her. yup. of all people, the her. ) No. 你又在一次委托她帮忙，负责送来礼物。连亲手送礼的勇气都没有。In my opinion, lack of sincerity.

我想我是麻烦的。If you don't adhere to my "invisible" rules, you annoy me. 使我事先没有跟你讲清楚？Well, you really weren't obvious. Haha. Compare yourself with him to see what i mean.

黄妹说：“You can't expect to know a person really well to start a relationship. You should give chance. Going out is a way to get to know each other better.” 而我坚信，应该先做很好的朋友。加上，我不和不熟的朋友单独出门。
她也说：“Maybe you just don't like the fact that he got her help.” 对。黄妹了解我，知道我跟她实在的关系，友谊的深浅。你知道吗？

叔叔说：“Actually now, some guys are getting desperate.” & “he talk c*** lah, he.. He's interested in you or her? Standing up for her??”
叔叔也了解我，知道我跟她实在的关系，友谊的深浅。你知道吗？

Maybe I was classified as an "easy target". But when the target doesnt seem "easy" anymore, you've decided to move on.
Maybe I was a bet. When the bet seem to be losing, you'd rather give up and treat your friends the bet.
I should move on too.
Actually, i think i had. :)

In a way, I admire her. I admire how she managed to still maintain "good" relations with the 2 guys after rejecting them both. Maybe that's her way. Because she categorised too much, some people are worth keeping in contact, lest you need their help (herbal tea... 2008....)
也许这点我永远做不到。我只有两种对朋友的方式。
一，会谈心事的close friends, 二，ever-so-friendly的朋友。
我把你当朋友时，你都觉得太过亲切，我觉得我不敢把你当朋友了。
我连拒绝都没做到，就失去了一个朋友。。。
I really need special semester - ZG38 表面功夫... with her being the lecturer??