~losing the power to influence

just finished watching "the apprentice". realised that it IS hard to be a leader, harder still to be a successful, respectable one.

I used to like being the leader. having the power to allocate jobs, stand on top during discussions. it wasnt just about the glory, it was more about having to be heard all the times. But now, i dun really dare to volunteer anymore. somehow, the extra seriousness added upon stresses me. i dun dare to try, i dare to admit. im quite timid i guess. but also, one of the things hindering me behind is the fact that i know not many people bother to listen to me nowadays. i figure they wouldnt be pleased to want me as their leader. correction: they dun even realise i do have the potential. i dun like to be looked down. on one hand, i really want to prove them wrong, showing them my true capability. on the other hand, im afraid to try. cos if i failed, it would be a BIG trouble. and even if i do try, what if no one care to follow, care to listen?? it is no longer the group of friends who trust me under my leadership, these are people who dun even have faith in me. how can i be sure im regarded by them? so i rather stay in the shadow. i wish im more daring. but im not.

In the pri sch, i used to be in the limelight. people looked up to me as im one smart kid. at least i was the smartest gal, always top 5 in class. then when i reached sec sch, even thou i came in 2nd, people thought about the gal who got 3rd as the smartest during higher chinese class when the teacher wanted the smartest person up. sigh. but that's ok cos i still have many other friends who believe in me. but now, i know im no longer that smart in class but that's not the point. i have long since disregard rankings. but i do wish people can have faith in me to be a leader. some of them might say i am already a leader by being a councillor. but is that enough? cos deep down, i know amongst my fellow council-mates, i haven been given a chance to shine, nor have i grab any. im just too afraid to try. cos the stake's higher now. i wonder when would i be daring enough to make the difference.

but anyway, i had joined council with a different purpose. i had just wanted to serve the school. right now, i may not exactly be in a very high postition, but at least in feedback unit, i can improve on the students' welfare & the school environment. i had joined council to contribute my small part in making the school a better place to be in, strengthening the sense of belonging in each & every NJCians.

well, until i am able to "dare to try", i shall not blame on others that they do not see my capability. it is after all, partially my fault i dun dare to try.