wAt's wRoNg?? [loong entry]

Maybe my friend is right. She just wrote a testimonial for me on friendster, saying i am rather sensitive. i agree. i also know this point. but the thing is, i feel that what i want is actually just very simple. involving me, not neglecting me. THAT'S ALL i ask for. it doesnt matter if im not in the limelight (though Leos love attention) but at least my presence is SENSED and ACKNOWLEDGED. i just wonder how demanding it is? You know, all those chats people always have during gatherings (parties or just meetings then got break to "chit chat"), all i crave for is the opening up of a space for me to sit, letting me listen & understand, and caring to explain to me when i dun understand what's going on. Is that A LOT?? i dunno. tt's why im asking for opinions. maybe it's alot to ask for?

And if you think, "if that's all u want, then you should be getting it wad. it's so simple to be done!". you are WRONG. i can list examples. i dun mind cos i feel like doing so. it's not that im petty that's why i remember. im hURt tt's why i cant forget all these things. you know, how deep wounds take long long time to heal?

of cos i may not recall every single event when i felt neglected. one thing being it's so too often that im quite used to it. i mean, you dun remember how many mouthful of water you had from that one cup right? because you are so used to just drink water, til you are satisfied.

anw, i remembered one during *****s camp. it was bathing time. it's a camp right? so basically we only have each other to depend on right? and i had always thought camp is the time to BOND, bring up UNITY, CARE for your group mates. BUT they (the rest of the girls basically) just left without me. Not because im slow. They WAITED for someone else lor. so i wait for them, drinking water from my bottle. But when that girl was ready, they just turned and WALKED AWAY. i had to just follow behind them lor. (cos we had allocated toilets to use wad. if not for that, i dun mind leaving the group lor). NOT DONE. there was a spider in the toilet we used. it was found right after the 1st person bathed. (there were 4/5 of us??) and i was the last to bathe. wAt HapPeNeD? They decided to CALL THE GUYS to catch the spider while I WAS IN THE CUBICLE BATHING. hello? i know im v tom-boyish lah, but it's awkard to bathe while the guys stand by the open door (cos they dun dare to come in) trying to spot the spider & maybe catch or shoo it away. WORST STILL, what if the spider, being threatened, run away & INTO MY CUBICLE?! am i supposed to scream, open the door w/o being dressed or half-way soaped with the toilet door wider open "guarded" by the guys? i mean, pls, i think it's simple consideration to take note lor. when the previous 2/3 girls went in to bathe, how come no one thought of getting the guys? & i was the LAST ONE already. cant they at least wait 5more min? (i bathe very fast during camps). i dunno lah. maybe im juz being "xiao ti da zhuo" but dun u agree at least i feel more "regarded" if they waited for me to go to the toilet & waited for me to finish bathing before getting the guys??

then there's always meetings. you know, that type for discussion where we sit down in circle? it is a fact though i dunno the reason, when other people join in, there will automatically be gaps opened for them. for me? unless some people with more consideration & concern for everyone are present, im sort of transparent & had to sit out of the circle, behind some heads. & when i ask for clarification on what's going on, it's either i dun get a reply or i get a "cant-be-bothered-to-answer-you-but-here-you-go-that's-my-reply" answer. it doesnt feel great, you know.

this doesnt only happened with people i dun exactly call "good friends". can you imagine that when you are telling your friends that you "going to reach" the destination already (while you are still on the bus) and when you are going down the ESCALATOR to the meeting place, you received an sms "We are going to XXX 1st. Go there to find us when you reach.". PLEASE. WHEN i say "reaching", i mean REACHING. i dun lie okie! this may be a small problem, but the thing is, cant you at least send another sms asking, "where are you? are u reaching soon? can we go XXX 1st then u go there to find us k?..." at least it SOUNDS better cos you confirm that im not somewhere near (like the ESCALATOR)? it's quite mean lor. though i HAD INITIALLY being glad that you asked me out. again, maybe im just being tOo sensitive. i dunno. i realli dunno. am i asking too much??

and i had always thought i have a loud voice. (at least people are telling me that. some find me annoying. some just gently advised me to speak softly) but how come people just ignore what i say? not everytime, not everyone. but it happens alot of time. guess it's because i dun get to spend alot of time with people that learnt about my existence. reali! sometimes, even when i REQUEST for something, as in really saying it aloud, "can i have xxx??", what do i get? *no response* <-- THAT! & others, they just say, "im thristy", you see a bottle with cap opened being presented in front of her. for some, they just grabbed. dun ask. dun care. & people dont dislike them! and i thought that kinda behaviour is barbaric!? impolite?! rude?!? and these kinda people dun care whether they are close to you, they just "shamelessly" (im sorry i haf to use this word) ask/kop from you. and this kinda people can be tolerated? im sorry i cant do that. i mean i cant do that "barbaric behaviour" neither can i tolerate this kinda people.

it's worst when i have to live life like this everyday. For her (i shall not mention name), i was willing to sacrifice my time to study during free periods to eat or just wasting time chit-chatting (though most of the time i feel that she just wanna get smth out of me. i mean, she's always asking "do you have a secret?". hello? secrets are secrets for a REASON rite?? & i did told her few (those minor ones) and like did she tell me hers?? maybe it's my poor memory but i dun recall any) BUT when i need her accompany, she would rather do herself a favour by doing what she had planned to do rather than to pei me. is this fair?? worst, she's always boasting about her **. if he's THAT GREAT, why didnt you KEEP him?? *hUH?!?*

just realised. all my life, i only have one close best friend at any point of time. and the bad thing is, i just grew to drift apart from these "close" friends.
1st there was Dolly. we bacame good friends in pri3 or pri4. but then we distanced after we went to secondary schools. Maybe because i went into a girls' school while she remained in co-ed school? i dun think the standard of the schools will differentiate people that much. environment plays a big factor.
then there was Geraldine. I dunno if she regard me as a close good friend, but i did. (thou i feel quite bad cos it seems like i always bully her thou i had the intention to be kind& friendly tt's why i play with her). But sadly, our "warm friendship" only lasted 1 year during sec 1 because she decided to 'go back' to st nich at the end of 2000.
Then i met Qiao Yun (& merle & Pei Ching). it was a fun year in Sec 2 because that was when i started going out & gossip about teachers (well, we ONLY have MALES in the form of teachers) & blahblahblah. it was fun. & im glad we are still in contact. but still, i feel that im no longer the priority. im not blaming them. after all, it's hard because the hardest times was the preparation for O levels, which i didnt spend with them cos we went separate paths & therefore ended up in different classes.
In sec 3, i met Benita, Vanessa (my mommy!), Kimberly (my papa!), Samantha (my di di!) & Louise (my Zhu Ren). Another 2 years of FUN & JOY. i think part of the reason is because 3/O-4/O worked as a CLASS. really. though we might not all be vv close friends, there were hardly any rivalry between each other. *actually, there is none except for the 'msg' vs 'lp' stuff. Maybe we have to thank Ms Rehana for that. She made us spent CME lessons thinking of improvements for the class, the class rules, class decorations & CLASS OUTINGS! & of cos, we cant forget the willingness & cooperativeness of everyone, taking care to take part in the class' events. but anw, i found my "family" in sec4. i really really hope to be able to stay as a united family!!!
In 1st 3mths, i found my Jie Meis (though it include the presence of an Uncle & a Big Gor Gor). they are Bertinus (my Hong Jie aka Da Jie!), Huey Min (my Bai Mei aka 3rd sis!), Lusiana (my Huang Mei aka xiao mei!), Choon Hwee (my Da Ge!) and Ching Wee (my Uncle!). I was glad to find Lusi. She is such a nice girl. Sweet, approachable & VERY DARING. hAhAz... if not for her, we'll neva had formed the "jie mei"! and she's always there for me. well, except during lit/econs lah. cos we only have "phy, chem, maths c" as the common subjects. while she takes lit, i took econs. oh, i took chinese during 1st 3mths too (cos i got B3 for HCL for prelims mah) but we didnt end up in the same class. *sad* but nonetheless, other than these times which we had completely no say in, we are always together. it was sooOOOO FUN & ENJOYABLE with her!! i mean, i can do serious stuff (like studying/doing hw cos she's sooo hardworking, so motivates me alot), i can also do CRAZY stuff with her. (like gossiping *abt CM,QY&....*, dancing @ dance parties, shopping) she even persuaded me to go get ear-piercings! hAhAz... ... hai.. but sadly, there had to be a twist. she decided to go RJ after she got her O's results. ay, 9A1s wad, shouldnt waste it. i really had the urge to go with her (anw it'll be more convenient for me cos of my Jap 'AO' anw) but i didnt in e end cos NJ was my dream school since sec2 & it was so much more convenient (i choose school by convenience. haha).
and of cos, not forgetting Josephine, who has been there with me since Sec 1 Jap lesson. We've been through alot together. And she's a really good lending ear- helping hand too. She's always giving concern when i feel lost. She's always there. And to whatever extent her ability bring her to, she's ever-so-ready to sacrifice for me. I really really do appreciate it.
I MISSED THOSE DAYS. where i felt secured. sense of belonging. appreciated. acknowledge. loved.
something mr goh (my chem tcher-cum-CT) once said, "the older people get, the more individualistic they become" i agree, to the FULL extent (i still gonna say this, though i noe i'l get L0 for SS)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??! the power i got to make friends with people seems to be dripping away... & i tot i was able to communicate well. is it my characters? too loud? too limited mindset? not exposed to enough entertainment? too cheena? maybe im just at the wrong frequency. hMm, people with freq Y.E.S. 93.3FM can try looking for me. at least i think that should be my freq. Hey! i think i can click with people of freq U.F.M. 100.3FM too... can try~
sigh.. did i change? if not why the sudden difficulty in mixing around people? without this ability, i feel useless staying FbU. after all, i had wanted to get in to tt comm because of the "human touch" i thought i have, or at least, i once owned. but then again, what can i do if im really not interested in those kinda topics they always talk about?? wad hollywood, bollywood stuff... or wadeva other things. no point asking to find out either. they dun give a satisfactory answer anw. so i guess.. wait, im still lost at what to do...

or maybe it's with the looks. ay, sian ar. at least with some of guys i noe, they only get near or joke with the more "popular" / chio gals. fine. anw, they might think they are cool but truth is, in the tropical warm country like Singapore, you cant be totally cool.

or maybe, it's cos i dun have any talents. sucks at everything. tries to write songs, but they are so horrible, superficial, stiff... tries to come up with the tune, but cant compose it into a mellow melody... tries singing the songs to people, but they got turned off cos i dun have a on-pitched voice... tries to study, but cant even keep up to be hardworking, more the less say doing well. people 4As i also 4As. but theirs is A (as in the grade) while mine is 4 A Levels subjects. haha

they always like to say "everyone has a part to play" ; "im really thankful that we are able to do this because of all of you" after whatever activity. truth is, when the activity was going on, was everyone involved? was everyone given the chance to be involved? was everyone into the project together?
hA, i find these kinda sentences very superficial. they are just the "standard thanks" to say to everyone at the end of the day. Did you really think that you needed everyone when working on the project? Did you really try to include everyone? Try to focus on each individual's speciality?
it's hard to say eh?...

sigh... glad that i had a blog to just say out something. even if no one read it. even better still, actually. at least after typing so much, i feel slightly better. at least i get to read it. any other way is better than benting my anger (not really anger. just the stuffiness i feel when being neglected) on my mom or dad or bro. people who are my family, who are truly closest to me, who loves me no matter what, who stays by me through thick and/or thin. I really dun mean to do it. but it just seem so much easier to treat them as the 'innocent victims'. (reminds me of smth i read in email) NO! i cant let this carry on. From now on, if im feeling heavy, it's either i voice it out or if no one cares (highly likely), i shall write song (yea, i sux @ it, but dun care) / meditates / wadeva. so long it has nothing to do with HURTING MY LOVED ONES.
me being deprived of care & concern shall not make my own family suffer. they had sacrificed enough for me already. i should be feeling grateful.
i just feel unfair. drained. i have tried to show concern around but no one bother to take it or return it. just letting it floats in the air. waste my efforts. this is the case where input <> which drained me & my enegry. even the efficiency is <10%>. tt's y i really feel like separating myself. i dun mind to live on a different planet alone lor. even better than having to stay in the same room where there are people all around me but me alone there feeling lonely. at least if im on a different planet, i dun get the rowdiness.

hafta apologise... to myself. (if u wan, u can treat it as im apologising to u. oso can) had wanted this to be a simple blog to keep my songs. in the end, now whenever i feel sad, i blog. had wanted to write story so that it wont be so obvious who/when/what am i talking about. but i realise hardly anyone read my blog (since there's no comment anw) i shall not force myself to write if i dun feel like writing. moreover, when i tried writing in story, the person/people din even know it was about them even after they had read it. sigh. sad case. well, on the positive note, at least they may haf realised i haf feelings too...

~dun make promises you cant keep~